Wednesday, November 30, 2011

On This Day...

Just a couple more than 30+ years ago this ball of fury was unleashed on the world. Yes, Donna of "Heff and Donna" fame celebrates her spawning today, and we wish her many more here at I mean literally, I wish she was here at What can be said about Donna that hasn't already been said? I for one can't think of a damn thing. Yes, she's the thing that wet dreams are made of. She truly is too much for one man, and I've been offering Heff my assistance for years now. So Happy Birthday to her, thank God it fell on a HBAG drinking night! As usual, I'm sure Heff has gone all out to lavish her with only the finest gifts from the heart.

In other stories:

The first half of the second season of AMC's "The Walking Dead", concluded this past Sunday night and what an episode it was. I am not one to get into TV shows, I never watched "Lost" or any of those others with a cult-like following but I have followed this one from the beginning and I love it. If you haven't seen it I highly recommend watching the first season which was only 6 episodes and then catching up to where they're at now. Dammit! what the hell am I gonna do on Sunday nights now until February when it returns!?

Also in TV news, the 3rd season of the other show I follow returns Tuesday, January 17th!  "Justified" on FX starring Timothy Olyphant is a great show that I hooked onto in it's second season and then went back and watched the entire 1st season after that.  Once again, highly recommended by Wil.  I would def start with getting the 1st season via Netflix or whatever and going from there. 

I'm Wil Harrison, and this has been your Hollywood Minute.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Black Friday!


I will not be participating my own damn self but to those out today, hey, enjoy that. And while you're out, stop by your neighborhood Little Caesar's location for the $5 "Hot N Ready" special cause it totally rocks, as you can see. Me, I think I'll just stay at home today, I've had a a bit of a headache this morn.

Blackhawks Vs Ducks today at 3 PM on WGN.  This road trip has been a frickin' shipwreck thus far at 1-3, let's get it together men.  

Ya know, I decided last night that I'm gonna let my hair grow out for the first time in like 15 years.  I wonder if I can get it to do this again? 

Maybe the question should be, do I really want to?  God it did so kick ass though.  I of course still have the necessary follicle count to pull it off so why not, I've got nothing better to do?  

Aight peeps, we'll let this one stay up for a few days and I will craft another masterpiece for Tuesday or something like that.  If you can't get enough of The Commander you can also find me on Twitter and shite like that, links in the right sidebar you lazy bastards. 

Till then...

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

You're Racing Like A Fireball, Dancing Like A Ghost

Yeah, I got skillz.

The other day my nephew, Big N, came home with some loose flowers and such for his woman. After watching his feeble attempt at arranging, The Commander stepped in.

Wil - "You know I once worked at a florist right?"

Big N - "You did? I don't remember that."

Wil - "Yeah, oh wait, that was before you were born."

Big N - "Weren't you the delivery driver?"

Wil - "Yeah, but somebody had to put them back together if they fell over."

So with that, Wil once again drew on his vast data bank of knowledge gleaned from a varied employment history and came up with the fine arrangement you see here in all of about 7 minutes. I am actually pretty proud of this. Is it wrong? I think not.

I've got to get me a pair of these! Oh the hilarity! Oh the nausea.


And finally in observance of the holiday, I leave you with a H.B.A.G. classic from Thanksgiving 2007. This one comes from Wil's "Heff and Donna" folder which is chock full of pics and oddities collected over the years from his "on hiatus" blog and emails, etc. I've got hundreds of drunken pics, grill pics, bar pics, deck pics and a good amount of half naked pics that strangely only feature Heff. "Their love was forbidden..." Happy Holidays to us all!

* - Image courtesy of and under special license from Heff's Bar And Grill and Double D's Funbag Enterprises, divisions of Worldwide Heff Inc., a Delaware Corporation. All characters appearing in this work are somewhat real. Any resemblance to fictitious persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and kind of scary. This product is meant for educational purposes only. No shoes, no shirt, no service. Don't try this in your living room; these are trained professionals. Low in Fat. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. No actual turkeys were harmed in this parody, only reputations.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Train Roll On...

As mentioned the other day, Wil had to head downtown into the city Friday to take care of some bidness. Not one to pass up good blog fodder, he took along his trusty Zoom Q3 to document the journey.

7:40 AM - Gots to buy me a ticket. $4, what a bargain!

7:55 AM - The train will be here any minute. Wil will be taking the Metra Electric line from Blue Island to Millenium Station.

8:30 AM - Wil is enjoying his first ride on public transportation since he was 12. If it didn't stop every damn 4-6 blocks it would have been a little more exciting.

9:20 AM - Wil enters (oh yesth) the big city.

12:25 PM - Wil is done with his bidness and is ready to head back to suburbia. Holy frickin' wind tunnel Batman!

1:25 PM - On the train headed back home after a successful mission. All is well.

So there you have it. Wil ventured downtown and made it back home without a hitch. Now some might be thinking "What's the big deal?", "Why is Wil so incredibly hot?" or "Don't you ever go downtown?", etc. The answers are, it's not that big of a deal really, he is truly a God among men, and no, I really never go downtown. I live about 6-7 miles out the Chicago city limits but yet I rarely go there and going "downtown" is a whole 'nother deal.

I've been downtown plenty of times, especially back in my 20s for work, to go to clubs or business affairs and the like but God it's been a good 12 or so years since I've actually been back. Even when I go to see my beloved Blackhawks at The UC or White Sox at The Cell that isn't really "downtown" in what is known as "The Loop". I think what made the trip exciting/angst ridden was the fact that I was not driving myself down there which Wil is not used to being without his own vehicle, at the mercy of someone else. But in this case even I knew that public transit was the best way to go as it cost me all of $8 round-trip and the station was not more than a block from where I had to go. Not to mention the aggravation of battling traffic in the morning rush, gas and the exorbitant parking fees. Hell, it probably would have cost at least $20-$40 dollars just for parking! F that!

So that's why Wil chose Metra, "The Way To Really Fly". Hmm, that went so well maybe I'll have to go back again just for the hell of it.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Wil reaches into his Folder O' Fun and pulls out these fine offerings.  Enjoy. 

Well she certainly looks like a nice girl.

Woman Jailed In Bizarre Sex-Related Stabbing

WGN Morning News fill-in weatherman Jim Ramsey has one of his best days ever.  

Wow, she must really be a fan of British Broadcasting. That's nice.

And finally in local news:

The Blackhawks spanked the hated Vancouver Canucks tonight 5-1 in Vancouver.

Wil cooked (heated up) an On-Cor 5 Cheese Lasagna tonight that he bought in the 2 for $6 deal last week with the Lasagna Italiano also from your friends at On-Cor. I'm gonna go with the 5 Cheese was a little bit better than the Italiano, but the sauce seemed a little cheaper, if that's even possible.

Big News! - Tomorrow Wil is going to board a commuter train (for the first time in about 31 years) and go into downtown Chicago for some bidness. Maybe I will bring along my handy ZOOM Q3 and document some of the lowlights. This might be fun, or it might be a shipwreck.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Fun For You And Your Whole...

For those of you who've never been over to, go over and check them out sometime. There you'll find some of the strangest and funniest stuff posted to Facebook. Check 'em out daily, they do come up with some great shit.


Here's some that caught my eye in the last week or so, enjoy. (Click on them to enlarge if needed)

In local news, Wil attended the christening of his great niece, Jocelyn, Sunday afternoon. She is almost 8 months old and everyone is quite fond of her cause she's like cute and a baby and shit.

Wil was quite duded up in his usual Tony Sopranoesque stylings as you can see here:

Ok, maybe we'll get a little better picture as they filter in from other sources. More fascinating updates coming soon, thank you for your patronage.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

My Eyes Are Blind, But I Can See

In case you missed the big, official announcement on Friday, National Metal Day, we have the link for you here, direct from Black

Black Sabbath!

The original lineup of Ozzy, Tony, Geezer and Bill are getting back together to do their first studio album and tour in 33 years. Whilst I am intrigued by this I am saddened that probably the main reason this is going to happen, at least now, is due to the death of Ronnie James Dio last year.

Let's see, I saw Ozzy on his "Bark At The Moon" tour back in '84 (?) and I also saw Black Sabbath on their "Born Again" tour with Ian Gillan about the same time. And of course I saw the Heaven and Hell lineup when they came through here in '07. So no, I've never seen them together. I did have the opportunity to see them back in '98 when they did that short tour but I had just started a new job and they absolutely would not let me go that night, and I tried everything to get out of it.

I guess I better get ready to see them when they come around, these cats ain't getting any younger.  Road trip Heff?  

Friday, November 11, 2011

We Believed We'd Catch The Rainbow

Yes it is! Holy Shit! Yeah ok, I'm really not that excited about it. Who the Hell came up with this anyway? One of these days I've got to start something that goes viral and shit. I'll have to get to work on that. I myself am not a "metalhead" per say. As I always say, I don't go any harder than Maiden, that's enough for me. Anyway, feel free to celebrate National Metal Day any way you see fit. I'm sure there are scheduled festivities at HBAG in observance.

I did catch myself watching "The Song Remains The Same" on VH1 Classic this morning for probably the 87th time in my life. I believe my 2 eldest nephews at some point both received the Uncle Bill tutorial where they were sat down and made to watch at least the first 20 minutes or so of "TSRTS" as education. "When you're a real musician you don't need light shows, costume changes, smoke and mirrors or any of that other bullshit". "You go out there on the stage and just fucking rock." "Look, see how the audience is just mesmerized by talent, not by gimmicks." Yeah, I'm quite sure they both enjoyed that. Hey, I tried. If you have no idea what I am talking about please see below, and like it!

Ok kids, pay attention. This is how it's supposed to be done.

And now, here's your other news and such snippets:

The Blackhawks defeated Columbus last night 6-3. Yeah, you better beat a team that is 2-11-1 on the season. Tonight we host the Calgary Flames back home at The UC.

Wil ventured out just after midnight this morn to run his youngest nephew up to the local GameStop to pick up whatever the Hell game it was that just came out today. They just got "Call Of Duty 37, Kill Your Parents" or whatever the fook it is the other night as soon as it came out at midnight. Damn kids.

And finally, Wil baked up this bad fella for dinner last night and it was excellent. The accompanying chicken breast, not so much. I might have overcooked that a smidge as it came out rather rubbery. Oh well, potato kicked ass though.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Cain Is Able, Say It Ain't So Joe

Well, what a day in the news huh?  Actually it's more like the last few days in the news.  And as usual, it's all about sex.

They seem to just keep coming forward to accuse old Herman don't they? I believe he's up to like 3-4 accusers now.  Of course he has denied any and all wrongdoing and says that all of these accusations are completely false. That always seems hard to believe that that many people would just make all of this stuff up. The media is now going after every tidbit of dirt they can find on these accusers which is par for the course. I do have to say that I love the one report that he attempted to direct the woman's head down to his crotch area and said, "You want the job don't you?" Classy! Will Herman be able to survive these accusations? Will the accusers be discredited? Can I get an Amen!?

Now on the other hand, we have the Penn State case. If you haven't heard anything about this it basically comes down to one of the assistant coaches (Gerald Sandusky) has been molesting, fondling and even raping young boys, some as young as 7-8, since the 90's. So far 8 or so victims have come forward and I am quite sure there are gonna be many more. This guy, innocent until proven guilty mind you, seems like a really sick mofo.

The problem here that has made this into such a huge scandal is it seems a lot of people knew about this, possibly all the way up to the University President, and they proceeded to cover it up.  As of this writing, Coach Joe Paterno, who has coached the Nittany Lions for the past 107 years (actually since 1966), has been fired.  At age 84 he had announced earlier in the week that he would retire at the end of this season but the Penn State trustees saw fit to retire him Wednesday night, which was the right move as he has already openly admitted that he knew about what was going on and didn't "do enough" to stop it.

Now, for some really interesting reading, and some of this is pretty graphic and quite disturbing, go and check out the Grand Jury's Investigation report against  Gerald Sandusky below.  Yeah.

Sandusky Grand Jury Presentment

Now, in other happier news, let's go to some quick bullet points and wrap this up.

Watching Jay Leno last night and they did an episode of Jaywalking where they ask random people random questions that most all of us should know. Yes, Richard Nixon was the President during The Civil War. I continue to weep for America.

That On-Cor Lasagna Italiano was indeed edible the other night. It was all of about 1 inch thick but it did eat good.

Wil went to the poverty dentist Wednesday which is always fun. $50 out the door for an extraction, can't beat that!

The Blackhawks travel to beautiful Columbus, OH to take on the Blue Jackets tonight. The Hawks have been on a really bad streak lately losing their last 3 games.  A team with this much talent has the absolute worst power play in the entire league? UNACCEPTABLE! Let's get this ship righted men.

Speaking of hockey and to finish yet another fine post, check out this bout from Tuesday night featuring Tanner Glass of the Winnipeg Jets versus Cody McCormick of the Buffalo Sabres. Wow!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Up Goes Frazier?

"Smokin'" Joe Frazier got called home to The Kingdom yesterday at the age of 67. I'll never forget those classic bouts with Ali and Foreman. He was a hell of a fighter, never stopped coming at ya. Thanks for the memories Joe.

Also in the yesterday news, I just happened to be watching the TV when "Dr." Conrad Murray got convicted of involuntary manslaughter in the Michael Jackson death. I really don't have any feelings one way or another on this case and truth be told I could really care less. We've seen this all before haven't we Dr. Nichopoulos?

Featured tonight on "Wil's Culinary Delights" is this fine product from your friends at On-Cor. I am quite sure this is gonna be a veritable orgasm of tasty goodness. I'll let you know later.

Finally in sporting news the Blackhawks sucked ass losing to the hated Canucks 6-2 Sunday night. They pay a visit to St. Louis tonight to take on the Blues for he first meeting of the season for these Central Division rivals. I am hoping for a much better effort in this contest.

Friday, November 4, 2011

The Adventures of Jeff & Lana

Here is the first installment in this exciting new reality series. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Yesterday evening at 4:50pm, Lana calls my cell and says "Honey, will you stop at Marathon and get me some beer ? I've got supper done, and the house is clean. We didn't drink last night, so......"

I said, "Honey, it's THURSDAY....can't you wait ONE DAMN DAY for Friday ? No, I WON'T stop and get beer."


Knowing the WRATH I would face if I came home beerless, I stopped at Marathon and noticed a 6 pack for $ 3.33. I had 4 ones in my pocket, so I thought "Great ! - I won't even have to put this brand on the "beer card".

THAT BEER was MILWAUKEE'S "BEAST" - One of the WORST beers known to man.

For shits-n-giggles, I purchased it and took it to the house and put it on the counter.

Lana came out of the bathroom in her cleaning attire, and opened the bag.

"What the fuck is this garbage ?" she said with a pissed off look on her face. "I'm not drinkin' this shit....Take it back to the store and get my Bud Light"

At that point, I got pissed, and realized I've been spoiling her little ass for years with QUALITY Anheuser-Busch products.

I said, "I'll tell ya what Dammit - You'll drink this SWILL, or I'll take it outside and drop the entire 6 pack in the trash."

Her lips tightened up and I could TELL she was SERIOUSLY pissed. She cracked a can open and grimaced as she choked down the first mouthful, and went back to her cleaning duties.

I took a nap on the couch, and when I woke up I checked the 'fridge. She drank one and a half cans and couldn't stand it anymore.

I wonder how nice she's gonna be when I come home with 2 bottles of peach flavored Boone's Farm tonight ?

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I've Had This Taste In My Mouth Before

Well happy Thursday everyone. Feel free to start your day with this Journey demo featuring original singer Robert Fleischman. Wow, that's a whole different band without Steve Perry huh? I'm not sure if I like this or not, definitely doesn't have the commercial flare of Perry.

Today is Wil's big shopping and TCB day. He has many stops to make and by the time he gets back home he will literally have completely run through his generous stipend that the State of Illinois sees fit to give him every 2 weeks. I went out and got a new exhaust system put on the old Caravan today as it had started to get a little loud in the last couple of days. Figured I better get that problem taken care of before it got out of hand and such.

The Blackhawks visit Florida tonight for their first meeting of the season with Dale Tallon's much improved Panther club. They'll continue the Florida thing tomorrow night when they take on the Tampa Bay Lightning.

Wil is currently laundering his bed linens and when I get through with that I think I'll wrestle the old Stratocaster for an hour or so. Over.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Hell, I Might Even Pop For A King!

Lately my spam box has been getting literally assaulted by a new spammer on the scene. I get at least 10-12 of these a day now. Of course they're always worded just about the same way as I've now had at least 9 different women tell me I better rent a room with a queen size bed. No, I haven't bothered to click on the link either. I do have to say I am impressed as they are generally well written, no major spelling mistakes, etc.

The thing that makes me wonder is in this day and age does anyone still buy this shite? I mean really, does anyone ever believe that hot women just find your profile somewhere on the internet and feel compelled to contact you cause you are so incredibly good looking and they are that much in need of sexing? I just can't believe that this whole spam thing just keeps working. Anyway, my phone has been on the fritz lately so if anyone needs me I'll be in Room 312 at the Ramada out on Rte 7 tonight.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Happy 54th Birthday Heff!

Yes, it's that time again. Longtime BFF, Custom Oddities creator and way too devoted fan of porn lives to see another anniversary of his spawning. Yes, every da... year the hair gets a little thinner and that weed-like thing he calls a beard gets a little grayer. But does he let that slow him down when it comes to drinking 3 nights a week, smoking like a man, and delivering the flesh pipe for a good 37 minutes a week? Hells no!

So without further adieu, I give you just a snippet of the very best of Heff. Happy Birthday Bitch!

Ah, the promise of youth. And bad haircuts

There's no way I was NOT gonna post this one. You're welcome.

Never miss a photo op kids, make it happen!

Just one more